This entry is from my Dream Journal in summer 2016.
I’m going to my sacred space to ask for help with understanding what I’m feeling. I’m anxious and tired.
For weeks I’ve been having intense dreams of violence,
of being tested in crisis situations, helping others to safety but finding only temporary safety for myself and knowing there’s something I must be preparing for.
I sit in the middle of my space, cross legged on the ground. I allow my guides to feel what I am experiencing. I let them feel my dreams, the ones about being maimed, chased, tested. What are these? What should I be doing with these dreams?
I receive an answer but I’m intimated and question it: allow myself to be torn into pieces by the beasts who are chasing me? Am I ready for that? What would that be like?
I imagine myself in the place of the last dream I had, on the edge of a bluff that overhangs a shallow gully. I hung off the overhang and dropped to safety before. What if I allowed the beast chasing me to catch me?
It is a great white and black striped tiger.
He leaps on me and we fly off the overhang. I never dream of exotic or mythical creatures. What’s up with this? I am preoccupied by wonder so that I don’t,at first, notice the pain of hitting the ground and having the claws puncturing deeply into my muscles of my arms and legs. The teeth are at my throat. I feel hot breath and fiery pain. Something is tearing at me and I cannot stop it. Brute force smashes my head, my bones against hard rock beneath me. I’m scared now. I’m scared of feeling more pain. How long can I endure? The pain continues, sharp stabbing, deep burning, intense rending of my joints. I must be dead now. Make the pain stop. How can I still be feeling things when I am no longer even in one piece? But I do. I feel it. I feel gnawing on my neck. A foot pressed into my belly. My knee over there. My arse over here. My arm somewhere else.
And short bursts of light and heat like fireworks. No more pain. Wondering where the fireworks are coming from. My face feels different. My jaw protrudes in an unfamiliar way. My hands and feet are all directly beneath me. I feel like it would be awkward to have my hands above my feet the way I normally do.
Is this my new normal?
I am so heavy! I pace. I am restless. Not hungry, but I have an appetite. I’m looking for a challenge. I’m looking for a fight, but not a fight to death. I want someone who can match me. And then stay with me. For a time. And always return to me after another time.
I’m a young man now. I am in the mind and body of a young man. Not young as in teenager, but not an old white haired man. I am muscular, dark hair, tall, I am annoyed by the people around me. They irritate me with their strident voices and simpering. I’m bored. I want someone to challenge me, to push me, to give me space to do my thing but know that I will always be there for them, I will always return to them. No insecurity. I don’t want to deal with insecurity. See me for who and what I am. Accept that I will not always be there every day but I can be relied on to care, to help, to support.
A wolf. No. A dog? A wolf-like dog is by my side. I’m still the young man. I don’t think I’ll find what I want. Too many people want to own me.
I don’t want to be owned. I want to belong. I want to fit like a puzzle piece.
How are these things connected?
I see myself as a tiger now. Alone and enjoying the trees, grass, sunshine, water, but alone.
I’m tired. Sleepy. I want to nap in the sunshine. I rest my head on my paws and close my eyes.
The drums call me back. I sit in my body again, cross legged on the ground in my sacred space. I am me again. I dream of the young man. I dream of lying beside him in the sunshine, on a sandy beach. I smile and I sleep. In this dream within a dream I am a tiger again. Sleeping with my head on my paws. It is a sight to see! A white tiger asleep beside a tall, dark haired man!
I hear the drums are still calling me back and I know that it is time to return completely from my sacred space in the dreaming.
Back in CR I feel sexually aroused. I need to sit outside in the rain on the ground before the sensations from the dreaming ebb completely away and I am fully back.
I know from past experience that when I have been eaten by an animal it is so that I can understand its language, its perceptions, how it communicates. This way I can learn and understand its teaching.
Now I will be working, at least for a time, with a Bengal Tiger.
How is this tiger different from others? Why specifically a white Bengal and not some other tiger? More food for thought.
The young man I have seen many times before in dreams. I don’t know who he is but I often dream of sitting with him and just holding space for each other. I know his name and he knows mine.
I feel like the terrible dreams I’ve been having will not be back and that I will be spending some time sitting with Tiger.